it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
we're so committed to being not committed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
