Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
