I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
