I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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