I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
