omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
