Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
