i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
