the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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