I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
