I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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