I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
