You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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