I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
