My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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