the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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