im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I enjoy the company of your penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
