i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
