a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
