She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
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