my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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