You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
