I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
