I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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