apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
