love makes seman taste better
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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