I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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