my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
