If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
