Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
