Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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