mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
