I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
