I just made out with a guy for $7.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
