he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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