i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
