the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
