her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
