that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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