someone threw a dead crab at me
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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