barbara walters just said penis...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
