tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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