I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
