How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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