Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
either way he was missing a nipple.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
