My pussy is not your playground.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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