Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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