my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
