Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
