toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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